Looked him in the eyes for some good five seconds
by Moniquita2
Summary: Sofia Shepard: Mindior, Akuze origin. Shenko, because Kaidan. "He just looked at her, his eyes both fleeting and unwavering. She privately cursed his once vast knowledge of her workings. Still, never had she been who she was now. He wouldn't know. He stepped aside, like she knew he would." Rated M because of the subject matter and not much curses. One shot. Spoilers for ME3.


_Sofia Shepard smiled a coy smile, sitting on a rock. "Well, aren't you a darling!" Her father gushed, kissing her dirty hair. He took a photo of them like that. When she turned, he was happy, eyes shining._

 _"Now, you know what I saw a while ago?" He asked._

 _"No, what would that be?"_

 _"I saw military magazines. I wonder who would be the owner."_

 _"Well, they're not mine." They were._

 _"You're sure? I found them next to your room."_

 _"You mean, next to Jason's room." She said. He seemed to ponder on it for a moment._

 _"You know: if you wanna be a soldier I have no problem."_

 _"They aren't mine."_

 _He raised an eyebrow._

 _She looked at him in the eyes, for some good five seconds. "I promise." He nodded._

 _"Well, I'll have to talk to him about it." He smiled. "Now, I think that's dinner I'm smelling."_

 _She sniffed, that certainly was dinner. "Race you to the door!" She won._

That was the last happy moment she remembered. Ships and bullets came not long after that. Now that she sat on a pool of his blood. The monsters wouldn't come back, she knew.

"Darling…" He whispered. She got closer, hugging him. "Daddy."

"I… need you to promise me something." He said. She sniffed, and nodded. "Promise me you'll always want to live. I promise you, life is good. Life is worth living. No matter how many bad things happen, no matter how much you just don't want to, life will make things better." She hiccupped.

"Promise me."

She looked at him in the eyes, for some good five seconds. "I promise." He nodded.

"How it all went down it's got me… I don't know." Kaidan looked at her, and frankly, she was tired… and annoyed.

"You do know Kaidan, just say it."

He frowned at her, and at this point she just didn't want to care. She doesn't know what her expression was, but whatever it was, it seemed to convince him. "If I hadn't backed down first, I feel like you would have taken me out."

"I wouldn't have." She didn't elaborate, she didn't have to, she didn't want to.

He puffed out a resigned breath, and walked towards the rail, leaning on it. "So, that's it? You know you wouldn't have, so you are relaxed. You feel you acted with integrity, so you can live with yourself."

"You are talking about Udina, not the stand-off." She concluded, but he didn't do anything. Answer enough. "Anyone would have done it, Kaidan, you too. He wasn't going to back down and you know it." It had always stressed her, how he complicated himself with things he should know not to. For some stupid reason she just didn't feel like figuring out, she also loved it.

He nodded. "Right." He pushed himself up and went to her. "Listen, Sof- Shepard, there's another reason I'm here." There was? Damn. "Hackett offered me position, but I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you in the Normady again."

She wanted to say no, she probably should say no. "Ok, granted." She pushed past him into the Normandy.

She put Mordin's name plate up, and picked up Thane's. She had been avoiding this moment, but to not do it now seemed like an offence. She had to let him sail his ocean, even of it didn't exist. She loved him. It wasn't that she had anything romantic with him, and she damn near had, but in the end, he was like the older brother she so desperately needed. And now, he was gone.

"I- uh- I don't think they are meant to be there."

She turned to find the owner of the voice, Kaidan, looking compassionate, but resolute. "Maybe, but they deserve it." She answered.

"I know, but Shepard, they weren't even serving on the Normandy when they died and-"

"And ones, when they served here, they were working for Cerberus. Is that it?"

"No, Shepard, I-"

"I was with Cerberus too. So, when I die, I shouldn't be put up here either."

"…Don't talk like that."

"Why shouldn't I? If I know you at all, you don't really care about the technicalities concerning whether they were still part of the crew or not when it happened."

"I didn't mean-"

"Don't. I don't want to fight anymore, and nothing you say will convince me not to put their names up here, no matter your reasons. So, please, just go."

He did. He was being stupid anyway, she didn't know why and she was sure she over-reacted, but she didn't have the energy for this.

"And fighting between us now is downright the stupidest fucking idea you can have." Some engineers had begun fighting about something. Garrus came down to put some order in business. Tali stood to one side. James also went attracted by the commotion; he wanted to have some fun to get distracted. Some other things happened that are clear for nobody, a bunch more people appeared here, and a brawl took place, a freaking bar like brawl. Sofia had to take care of it.

"We are all stressed, I get it. I am stressed too, but not only that, now I'm disappointed. You feel useless; well, rest assured everything you do in this ship is helping. You want to do more, talk that with me. You feel like punching somebody? Go throw that energy at the Reapers, but right here, right now, we have a family in this ship. A diverse, inter-species family, but that's what's beautiful about it. We need to set the example; we need to be together if we ever want the galaxy to succeed against them. Because separated, we'll be picked off one by one. And you, you are supposed to know that better than anyone." She gave an unwavering glare to each face in the room, but one amongst the shadows. She was not wasting momentum now, not trying to figure out who it was. Her gaze turned soft. "I can't assure you we'll win this war." A deadly silence fell over the room. "But I can assure you, we can. And it'll be hard, it'll be nearly impossible, but only nearly. Each day that goes by in which we have killed a single husk, the tide turns a little bit in our favor. And you can fear. You can hate. You can feel exhausted. And you can use it to drive those bastards right into hell!" People began cheering then, happy, hopeful, but for now, most importantly, properly chastised and put in their place. And they didn't even realize it.

She began walking back towards her room, to lay awake as to not experience the nightmares but rest where no one would judge her for doing so. She desperately needed a report to drown into. The figure stepped out from the shadows and blocked her path. She looked up a little. No, not him, not now, not ever. It was Kaidan.

"You always did have a way around imparting hope." He said, a small smile on his face.

She for her part wondered how she managed to give what she didn't have. Pretending, her head answered, you do have hope, just for different things. She didn't smile. His slowly faded off.

"Shepard, look… I-"

She cut him off. "We'll talk later." She promised hollowly, putting on her best everything-is-fine attitude. He just looked at her, his eyes both fleeting and unwavering. She privately cursed his once vast knowledge of her workings. Still, never had she been who she was now. He wouldn't know. He stepped aside, like she knew he would.

Later, she got his message. A dinner at Apollo's. She didn't feel like going.

Very few people knew of it, maybe amongst those Liara and herself. But her mind was innovative in that sense, in that very specific sense. When she discovered the crucible and the catalyst, or the Citadel fit together, she knew.

She opened a holographic display, put them together. Analyzed the information given by the scientist and she knew. She knew only one of the three, but it was enough for her to know whoever did it, wouldn't come back alive. But the job would be done, they'd have nothing to regret. She could have cried, as it was she simply smiled. She was determined. She would do it.

She never told anyone.

He barged in desperate, like the soul in love that he was… that he had always been.

"Shepard we need to talk." "Time is the last thing we have." "Sofia, don't do this to me." "Please, one of us down there could…" "Don't ignore me anymore." "Sofia..." "I know it's my fault, but I want to know if I lost you then." "…please a yes or a no, that's all I ask."

But she couldn't answer, didn't he know. Of course he didn't know. No one knew anymore. Too much time had she spent overwhelmed. She was tired of answering. She couldn't. Everyone who had gone, anyone she ever knew of. Or they turned out like him, hateful, stubborn, and draining. Everything drained now, everything. She didn't have anything else that could be drained, didn't anyone know? But she couldn't go, not yet, then what had she been drained for. What would have been the point? But once she wasn't needed, she hadn't had to be drained anymore. She could choose. She could rest. She could simply be.

She could stop being.

"Shepard, what are you talking about?" He asked voice tight, incredulous, unaccepting, refusing. She turned now, his eyes were misty, and it hurt.

It hurt.

She didn't want to hurt.

"Answer me!" He pleaded; he took her face in his hands. "You are the last person who…" He shook his head. "You deserve so much more. I don't know why you feel guilty, but damn it, Sofia, you are coming back. You deserve it."

That's right. She deserved it, that at least. She would fight. And she would be granted her wish, she was happy now. Didn't he see?

"I… I can't lose you again. Not like that."

Oh, he could. He did it once. He hadn't died.

"Promise me… Promise me Shepard, you are going fight like hell down there and come back. Promise me!"

She looked at him in the eyes, for some good five seconds. "I promise." He nodded.

 **Author's note: Hey guys! I was writing this a day when I felt… sad, bored, imaginative and stressed. Um, reviews always appreciated.**


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